Danie Ryan Cotler's Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community Blog

 Narcissists find and attract new victims quickly because they’ve honed the ability to identify and exploit vulnerabilities. They are highly skilled at reading people, spotting those who may be empathetic, insecure, or craving validation. These traits make someone more likely to fall for the narcissist’s charm and manipulation. Their initial approach is often highly calculated. They use charisma, flattery, and attentiveness to create an intoxicating connection, often mirroring their target’s personality or interests. This creates the illusion of a perfect bond and disarms the potential victim. Narcissists are adept at love-bombing, showering the person with excessive attention, gifts, or affection to foster dependence. Social media, dating apps, and shared social circles also allow narcissists to cast a wide net, giving them quick access to potential targets. They often keep backup sources of supply individuals they’ve been grooming on the side or maintaining as "friends" so ...

 Triangulation is one of the most manipulative and destructive tactics narcissists use to maintain control over their victims and everyone in their orbit. It involves pitting people against one another to create confusion, mistrust, and isolation. This strategy serves a dual purpose: it keeps the narcissist in the center of all interactions while preventing others from uniting against them or exposing their behavior. Narcissists use triangulation to destabilize their victims and isolate them from potential support systems. They manufacture fake drama and conflicts, convincing their current partner that the narcissist’s family, friends, or even their own loved ones dislike or mistrust them. By creating this illusion, the narcissist ensures their victim feels unwelcome or unsafe reaching out for help, further deepening their dependency. In addition to isolating their partner, narcissists infiltrate their victims' social circles, subtly planting seeds of doubt and mistrust. They might...

As an empath, we love deeply and unconditionally, often at the expense of our own well-being. On my healing journey from narcissistic abuse, one of the most profound truths I uncovered was that my healing wasn’t just about my last relationship. It wasn’t just about my narcissistic ex. It was about all the relationships before him my friendships, my family, and most importantly, the relationship I had with myself. I didn’t understand, at the time, that I had been accepting love in forms it was never meant to be accepted. My narcissist said something chilling to me during one of his last phone calls. I was facing ten years in prison for a crime I didn’t commit, with him pressing false charges against me. Taunting me, he told me, “You’re exactly where you belong, and the way you love people is why you’re here.” As cruel as his words were, there was a kernel of truth in them perhaps one of the only truths he ever spoke. The way I loved people was wrong, not because love itself is wrong, bu...

 Narcissists Murder by Suicide: The Silent Epidemic Narcissists don’t just ruin lives they end them. Not with visible violence, but with relentless emotional and psychological abuse designed to break their victims from the inside out. This isn’t hyperbole; it’s reality. For countless victims, narcissistic abuse leads to one final, devastating outcome: death by suicide. And let’s be clear this is murder. I know because I lived it. I survived nine suicide attempts during a relationship with a narcissist. Every attempt was fueled by the calculated cruelty of someone who knew exactly how to destroy me, piece by piece. I’m lucky to be here today, but too many others don’t get the chance to tell their story. This isn’t accidental. Narcissists are deliberate. They isolate their victims, strip them of their support systems, and manipulate them into believing they’re worthless. They gaslight them until they can’t trust their own minds, creating a reality where death feels like the only esca...

 🔍 A smear campaign isn’t random it’s a calculated tactic used by narcissists to maintain control, protect their image, and destroy your credibility before you can tell your side of the story. But why do they do this, and how do they manipulate your reactions to strengthen their narrative? Why Narcissists Start a Smear Campaign 1️⃣ Damage Control: Narcissists fear exposure. If they sense you might reveal their abuse or lies, they’ll strike first to discredit you. 2️⃣ Maintaining Control: By isolating you from friends, family, or your support system, they ensure you have fewer people to validate your experiences. 3️⃣ Protecting Their Image: Narcissists thrive on admiration. If their carefully curated persona is at risk, they’ll destroy anyone who threatens it. 4️⃣ Avoiding Accountability: The smear campaign shifts focus away from their actions and onto your supposed flaws, mistakes, or reactions. The Role of Reactive Abuse 🎭 Reactive abuse happens when a victim finally reacts to c...

  1. Subtle Negative Comments About You: They drop small, critical remarks about you to others, often disguised as jokes or casual observations. 2. Feigning Concern: They express “worry” about your mental health, behavior, or choices to others, subtly planting seeds of doubt. 3. Playing the Victim: They tell exaggerated or false stories where they are the victim, and you are portrayed as unstable or abusive. 4. Increased Gossip: You notice mutual friends or acquaintances acting differently, avoiding you, or distancing themselves without explanation. 5. Preemptive Defense: They start defending themselves against things you haven’t accused them of, preparing their side of the story before you’ve spoken up. 6. Triangulation: They involve a third party (a friend, family member, or coworker) to create tension, jealousy, or rivalry. 7. Social Media Posts: They post vague or passive-aggressive messages aimed at you, or portray themselves as kind and compassionate heroes. 8. Twisting Past ...

 To my beautiful community, As the possibility of a TikTok ban looms, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for everything we've built together. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for the unwavering love, support, and belief you’ve shown me. You have been my light in the darkest times, and without you, I truly don’t know if I’d still be standing. Together, we’ve done things I never thought possible. We gave a voice to the voiceless, and in doing so, we made an impact that has reached far beyond what I ever imagined. Through your support, I’ve been able to share my story of surviving narcissistic abuse, and in turn, help thousands of others reclaim their power. Through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community blog, we’ve touched millions of lives, bringing people together and helping them heal. We’ve turned my pain into something bigger than any one person Heal Loudly became a movement that reached over 100 million people, a r...

 One of the most foolish things a narcissist can do is underestimate their victims and overplay their cards. In their arrogance, they believe they can manipulate, gaslight, and control indefinitely without consequence. But there’s a breaking point a moment where the victim, pushed to the edge, transforms. This transformation is not just survival; it’s a rebirth. From the ashes of their suffering rises the educated empath, sometimes even the dark empath. These individuals have been to the depths of emotional warfare, studied the tactics used against them, and emerged not just healed, but empowered. The empath who once gave endless chances, who once sacrificed their own well-being to keep the peace, is gone. In their place stands someone who understands their own power someone who no longer mistakes compassion for weakness. The reborn empath knows when to offer empathy and when to withhold it. They know how to recognize manipulation before it takes root and, more importantly, they kn...

 Healing Loudly: A Reckoning for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors The era of silent suffering is over. Victims of narcissistic abuse are no longer retreating into corners, nursing their wounds in isolation, and burying their stories deep within. Those days of quiet, invisible healing have passed. We are healing loudly speaking names, exposing truths, and holding abusers accountable not just for the harm they caused us, but for the trail of shattered lives they’ve left behind. Suicide due to narcissistic abuse is a crisis that can no longer be dismissed or minimized. The psychological warfare inflicted by narcissists pushes victims to the brink, creating a devastating cycle of despair and silence. But we refuse to sit back and watch any more lives be stolen by those who thrive on control, deceit, and destruction. A reckoning is here. Survivors are awakening, shedding ignorance, and stepping into their power. We’re becoming educated about the tactics used against us, and for some, we’re ...

 Healing Loudly: A Call to Action for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse The silence ends here. We are calling on every survivor of narcissistic abuse to step forward, to share their stories, and to heal loudly. Every story told is another crack in the armor of the abuser, another warning sign for the next potential victim. When we speak out, we leave a trail of evidence a map for others to follow so they can see the patterns, recognize the red flags, and escape before the damage becomes irreparable. One day, narcissists will think twice before preying on empaths. They will hesitate before trying to snuff out the light they cannot understand and will never possess. They will know that their manipulations, their lies, and their calculated cruelty will no longer remain hidden in the shadows. Healing loudly isn’t just recovery it’s rebellion. It’s defiance against every lie they told us, every time they made us question our reality, every moment they tried to diminish our worth. Narcissi...

 Healing Loudly: Honoring the Voiceless and the Lives Lost to Narcissistic Abuse We heal loudly not just for ourselves, but for those who can no longer speak. For every brother, sister, mother, father, friend, aunt, and uncle whose life was stolen by the crushing weight of narcissistic abuse. This silent epidemic of suicide has claimed too many souls, leaving behind unanswered questions, shattered families, and a deafening silence where their voices once lived. But we refuse to let them fade into the shadows. We carry their stories in our hearts, and we speak their names as we rise from the ashes of our own battles. Every time we tell our truth, every time we expose an abuser, every time we share our pain and our healing, we do it for them. Narcissistic abuse isolates, manipulates, and breaks down its victims until they see no way out. But we are here to shatter that illusion. We are here to remind the world that their lives mattered, their suffering was real, and their stories des...

 As 2024 comes to a close, I can say with pride that this was the year I stopped living for everyone else. I stopped going above and beyond for people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I stopped being the bigger person when it meant swallowing my pain to make others feel better. I stopped fixing what I didn’t break and carrying the weight of problems that were never mine to solve. I stopped showing up for people who consistently failed to show up for me. And I stopped sacrificing my happiness, peace, and joy just to keep the peace. This year, I matched energy. When people brought respect, I gave it back. When they brought disrespect, I set them straight. I refused to stay silent to "keep the peace" while others crossed my boundaries. I started calling people out on their behavior the moment it happened, no longer letting it slide. I stopped letting fake apologies and empty promises keep me trapped in toxic cycles. 2024 was the year I finally protected my energy. I walked away ...

 I understand what you're going through in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. The pain is overwhelming, and the betrayal cuts deeper than you thought possible. The person you loved the one you gave your trust, energy, and heart to was never real. The weight of that realization is crushing because you could never imagine doing to someone else what was done to you. And then there’s the isolation. Friends and family don't get it. They tell you to “move on,” to “get over it,” completely unaware of the trauma bond that holds you in place, the psychological warfare you endured, and the scars that aren’t visible. I know how some days feel impossible. The heaviness of it all, the hopelessness, the feeling that you might not survive another moment like this. But I want to tell you something: every time you’ve faced moments like this losing a job, grieving a loved one, enduring heartbreak, or even being left with nothing you’ve made it through. Your survival rate for life’s worst days ...

 Narcissists don’t care about the truth. They will conjure up the most absurd lies, spinning tales that make no sense in the real world. My narcissist, for instance, went so far as to pull stock images of bloody knives from Google, claiming I stabbed him. Their delusions can lead them to make wild accusations and fabrications that defy logic, all in an attempt to manipulate the narrative to their advantage. In their minds, it’s not about being rational or credible; it’s about getting what they want in that moment, regardless of how far-fetched their claims may be. Even if it looks like they’re grasping at straws, they won’t hesitate to throw out whatever comes to mind. They thrive on chaos and confusion, knowing that the more outrageous the story, the more it can shock and sway others. They’re often aware that their lies don’t hold up under scrutiny, but that doesn’t matter to them. Their goal is to distort reality enough to maintain control and position themselves as the victim. F...

People often don’t realize just how premeditated and calculating narcissists and sociopaths can be. These aren’t just impulsive acts; they’re meticulously planned to provoke you into reactions that fit their smear campaign. They'll push every button, baiting you into an angry response to reinforce the lies they’re spreading about you. But it goes even further. Narcissists will stage scenes at home while you’re away, creating false evidence of chaos or even violence. Some will mess up the house to make it look like a fight happened, only to later photograph the scene as “proof” of their claims. In severe cases, they may go so far as to stage something as twisted as a fake murder-suicide scene. They’ll set up shrines, tamper with belongings, or mix drugs to make it look like you were planning something dangerous all to frame you as mentally unstable or even violent. The craziest part? When you return, everything will be perfectly clean and back in order, as if nothing happened. They’...

 Many people look at survivors and think we wear survival like a badge of honor, a symbol of strength or resilience. They assume we’ve "overcome" the abuse and are now somehow better for it. But the truth is, surviving narcissistic abuse is anything but glamorous. It’s not a victory lap. It’s not an empowering slogan. Surviving is painful. It's messy, relentless, and exhausting. It's an ongoing battle with no end in sight, and each day feels like you're just barely making it through to the next. Surviving means waking up every day to a fight that no one else can see. It means battling through the fog of depression, the weight of hopelessness, and the unshakable feeling of worthlessness. Each morning, we wake up and hope it’ll get better, only to find ourselves still knee-deep in the pain. There’s no "getting over it" when you’re trying to survive. There’s only getting through it, one agonizing day at a time. Surviving isn’t a one-time thing. It’s not som...

 Surviving the Holidays with Narcissistic Family Members and Friends The holidays should be a time of joy and togetherness, but for those with narcissistic family members or friends, they often feel more like a battlefield. Narcissists thrive on drama and control, and nothing feeds their ego more than ruining special occasions. While many of us dream of completely avoiding them, the reality is that some people can’t. So, what can you do when you’re stuck in a room with someone who’s determined to push your buttons? First, let’s clear something up: Family is family but that doesn’t mean you have to accept abuse or disrespect. Love can exist at a distance, with firm boundaries. You are allowed to protect your peace, even from those who share your bloodline or history. If you can keep toxic individuals out of your life altogether, that’s ideal. But if circumstances make that impossible during the holidays, here’s how you can keep your sanity intact. The Gray Rock Technique is your bes...

 "Have you ever experienced a narcissist’s mother stepping in to defend them or attack you? How did it affect your journey toward healing?" A male narcissist's biggest supporter will always be his mother. Not only does she stand by his side, but she often actively participates in the abuse and gaslighting of his victims. She knows full well the monster she helped create and she’ll do anything to protect the perfect image she’s built of her son and herself. These mothers are not innocent bystanders. Women like Mary Ellen Johnson Denio mock and taunt the victims, deflect blame, and enable their son’s destructive behavior. They don’t just stand in the background; they actively post comments and messages, supporting their son’s false narrative as he plays the victim of the very abuse he inflicts. She reassures him how proud she is of his performance, while demonizing the victim at every turn. Most mothers would never cross the line into such behavior, but mothers like Mary El...

 How Can I Stop Missing The Narcissist? Missing them feels like an ache that just won’t go away, doesn’t it? Even after all the pain they caused, their absence leaves a void. You might catch yourself replaying conversations, reminiscing about the good moments, or longing for the version of them you fell for. It’s confusing how can you miss someone who hurt you so much? The truth is, what you’re really missing isn’t them. You’re missing the version of them you thought they were the attentive, charming, loving partner they pretended to be. You’re mourning the connection that felt so real and the future you imagined. Narcissists are masters at creating a fantasy so vivid that even after the mask slips, the memory of that illusion keeps you hooked. But holding onto that fantasy is like gripping sand it slips through your fingers, leaving nothing but emptiness. The person you miss wasn’t real. They were a character in a story the narcissist wrote to pull you in. The first step to breaki...

 The Early Stages: How Smear Campaigns Begin Smear campaigns don’t erupt out of nowhere they’re carefully crafted long before you even realize you’re in the crosshairs. In the beginning, everything feels normal. You might even think you’re in the clear after ending things with the narcissist. But behind the scenes, they’re planting seeds of doubt, quietly twisting the narrative to turn others against you. It’s a slow burn at first. A sly comment here, a “concerned” observation there. By the time you notice what’s happening, the stage has already been set, and you’re left scrambling to defend yourself. How It All Starts In the early stages of a smear campaign, narcissists use subtlety as their weapon. They know outright attacks might seem too obvious, so they opt for insinuations instead. You might hear through the grapevine things like: “I’m worried about them; they’ve been acting differently lately.” “I hate to say it, but I think they’re struggling with [insert fabricated issue]....

 Understanding Narcissistic Smear Campaigns: What They Are and Why They Happen Imagine you’ve been through a storm, only to realize it wasn’t just wind and rain it was someone deliberately trying to wreck everything you’ve built. That’s what a narcissistic smear campaign feels like: a calculated attack aimed at your reputation, your relationships, and your sense of self. Smear campaigns are one of the narcissist's most devastating weapons. They don’t just happen by chance they’re deliberate, strategic, and deeply rooted in the narcissist’s need for control and dominance. At their core, these campaigns are about shifting blame, avoiding accountability, and maintaining a carefully constructed façade. So, why do they do it? The Narcissist’s Motivation Narcissists thrive on admiration and control. To them, maintaining their public image is everything. The moment they feel their mask slipping whether it’s because you’ve set boundaries, exposed their behavior, or simply chosen to walk aw...

 Invasion of Privacy: The Narcissist's Digital Tactics of Control and Manipulation Narcissistic abuse is not limited to emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and control. It often extends into the most private parts of a victim's life, and in today’s world, narcissists have found a new tool: technology. One of the most invasive tactics they use is manipulating their victim’s privacy, sometimes in ways that feel like an outright violation. By secretly recording conversations, accessing phones, and controlling digital communications, narcissists ensure they have complete dominance over their victim, undermining their sense of privacy and trust. One of the most alarming behaviors a narcissist can engage in is secretly recording you. Whether it’s through hidden audio devices or even cameras, these recordings are rarely meant for any innocent purpose. Narcissists often collect these recordings to create false narratives. They use them to manipulate their victim into doubting themselv...

 The Importance of Removing Toxic People and Loving from a Distance One of the hardest decisions we make in life is choosing to distance ourselves from toxic people. These are often the individuals we’ve invested time, care, and love into, hoping they’d change or recognize the chaos they bring. But at some point, we must confront the truth: keeping them in our lives is costing us our peace, happiness, and even our mental health. Recognizing Toxic Patterns Toxic people often thrive on conflict, manipulation, and deflection. They are perpetual victims in situations they’ve created, refusing to take accountability for their actions and instead blaming others for the fallout. They’ll drag you into their drama, leaving you to clean up the mess or feel guilty for their circumstances. No matter how much compassion you have or how many chances you give, they won’t change until they choose to take responsibility for their lives. And that’s the hard part you can’t help someone who doesn’t wa...

 How Long Were You With Your Narcissist, and How Long Have You Been No Contact? When someone asks, "How long were you with your narcissist, and how long have you been no contact?" it can feel like an invitation to relive both the pain and the triumphs of your journey. For many survivors, the answer isn’t as simple as a timeline. It's a story of resilience, awakening, and transformation. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like living in a psychological maze. You entered expecting connection, love, and partnership but found yourself navigating manipulation, gaslighting, and cycles of betrayal. Time blurs in such relationships. Days can feel like weeks when you’re walking on eggshells, while years might pass in a fog of intermittent reinforcement that keeps you tethered to the hope of change. The moment of going no contact truly severing the ties marks a turning point. It's not just about physical distance; it’s a declaration of self-worth and a refusal to play...

 It’s not a coincidence that you and the narcissist ended up together. You’re exactly what they’re missing in their life. They saw the qualities in you that they could never cultivate within themselves kindness, empathy, strength, the ability to truly love. You had something they knew they could never have, so they were drawn to you like a magnet. Narcissists are often haunted by an inner void, a profound emptiness that comes from their inability to connect with others in any real way. Lacking self-awareness and a capacity for empathy, compassion, or true intimacy, they live in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction. These qualities they see in you strength, warmth, generosity aren’t just attractive; they’re hypnotic, almost like a solution to their emptiness. You become their obsession, not as an individual but as a source of qualities they desperately crave but can never sustain. Instead of cherishing those qualities in you, though, they set out to consume them. They don’t want to ...

  They’re already living it. The truth is, they’re doomed to destroy everything that tries to love them. No matter how charming, successful, or put-together they may seem on the outside, they carry a weight of emptiness that taints everything they touch. Over and over, the most amazing, kind, loving people will enter their life only to end up hurt and leave. Every relationship becomes just another casualty of their need for control, their inability to genuinely connect, to truly love, to ever find peace. See, every single day, they wake up and live their karma. They might think they’re untouchable, that they’re too clever, too skilled at manipulation to face consequences. And for a while, it might even seem like they’re winning collecting admiration, pulling strings, keeping people guessing. But deep down, they know. They know they’re trapped in a cycle they can’t break, that they’ll never truly have the love, trust, or stability they pretend to want. Even if they won’t admit it, t...

You were never supposed to figure out the narcissist. They did not plan on you seeing through their lies, their manipulation, or their mask. They wanted you to stay in the dark, to question yourself, to feel crazy. They needed you to believe their twisted version of reality, to doubt your own mind, to feel like you were losing touch with what was real. They counted on you being confused, on you second-guessing everything, on you doubting your own perception. They wanted you to stay trapped in the fog, caught in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt, unable to see the truth for what it was. But guess what? You did figure it out. You started seeing the cracks in the facade, hearing the lies beneath the sweet words, feeling the manipulation hiding behind the smiles. And that right there? That’s when their control starts to slip away. You took back your power, and that’s when the game changed. The moment you stop playing along with their lies, the moment you start seeing them for who they rea...

When a narcissist senses their control slipping, they’ll often resort to “flipping the script,” projecting their own abusive actions onto the victim. They’ll paint their victim as "crazy," “unstable,” or even “dangerous,” hoping to sway others’ perception in their favor. Narcissists rely on this tactic to deflect attention away from their own behavior and silence the person who might expose them. But their lack of authentic emotion is what sets them apart from a true victim, revealing their game. A narcissist can speak with conviction, but the emotions that a real victim feels heartbreak, confusion, and genuine pain are missing from their story. They speak in calculated terms, full of accusations designed to paint a grim picture of the person they hurt, but these words lack the depth of real empathy or grief. Their claims are rehearsed and dramatic, intended to keep others on their side. Behind this, though, is a hollow performance, more about image control than genuine emoti...

When a victim of narcissistic abuse speaks out, they're often met with accusations of trying to destroy someone’s reputation, initiating a "smear campaign." But this term doesn’t apply to victims telling their truth. A true victim’s story is not rooted in the secretive, manipulative tactics used in a smear campaign; it’s a way to bring light to experiences that narcissists keep hidden. It’s a Truth Tour. A smear campaign is calculated, covert, and designed to keep others in the dark. Narcissists work behind the scenes, planting seeds of doubt in others’ minds, quietly undermining their victims. They whisper half-truths and lies to friends, family, and even strangers, creating a negative perception of their victim without that person even knowing until they feel its full impact. The intention is not to tell the truth but to damage someone’s life while keeping their own hands clean. But when a victim comes forward, they aren’t hiding in the shadows. They aren’t playing a ga...