Breaking the Silence: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, Stigma, and Sexual Assault in the Gay Male Community

There’s an uncomfortable truth that we don’t talk about enough: men, especially gay men, can be victims of abuse too. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) runs rampant in the gay male community, but the stigma surrounding male abuse—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual—keeps so many of us silent. We’re told to be strong, to keep things private, or worse, that it’s somehow our fault. For a long time, I stayed quiet, ashamed of what I’d endured, thinking I wouldn’t be believed or understood. But silence only allows the abuse to thrive.

I was in a relationship for eight months that nearly destroyed me. The psychological manipulation and emotional abuse I experienced left me deeply scarred. During that time, I felt trapped and isolated, leading to multiple attempts to end my life. I attempted suicide nine times, each time believing it was the only way out of the unbearable emotional strain. But even at my most vulnerable moments, the abuse continued. In fact, it escalated.

What made my experience even more horrific was the fact that my abuser had set up hidden cameras in my home. He filmed every breakdown, every cry for help, and even every attempt to end my life. He captured the moments where I sat, broken in a corner, repeatedly whispering, *I want my Frankie back. Somebody please bring my Frankie back.* These videos became his trophies. I learned later that he had done the same to his previous victims, using these recordings to further manipulate and humiliate them.

For me, he used these videos to fuel a smear campaign. He painted me as unstable, irrational, and crazy, isolating me from my friends, my community, and any source of support I could have turned to. The person I thought loved me was now actively working to destroy me, and he had the power to do it. When I finally managed to break free from the relationship, he had already taken everything I had ever worked for—every memento of my life, every piece of me that had meaning. He used them as leverage, threatening to destroy what little I had left if I ever spoke out. He even filed false charges against me, trying to put me away in jail for life.

I found myself homeless, without resources, and without the means to defend myself. The world felt like it was collapsing around me. My abuser had not only taken everything I had, but he had also taken away any chance I had to rebuild. At that point, I thought my life as I knew it was over.

But I wasn’t finished. I fought back. I began to heal loudly, sharing my poetry, sharing my story. The smear campaign he had waged against me began to crumble as I started to chip away at the image he had created of me. I reclaimed my voice. I shared my vulnerability. I exposed him for who he truly was. Eventually, the prosecutor’s office, after reviewing my videos and the overwhelming evidence I provided, saw the truth. The charges against me were dropped, and the facade my abuser had built around himself began to fall apart.

But even though I was free, the heartbreak remains. The emotional damage he caused runs deep. I developed complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), a condition I still grapple with every day. The pain of loving someone who never truly existed is immense. I had to mourn the person I thought he was—the version of him that I had desperately fallen in love with. I had to split him into two people in my mind: the one I loved and the monster he really was. It’s a type of heartbreak that no one should ever have to endure.

Sharing my story has been a painful process, but it has also been a healing one. It has allowed me to reclaim my narrative and rebuild my life, piece by piece. I hope that by speaking out, others in the gay male community who have suffered in silence will feel empowered to share their stories, too. Abuse doesn’t discriminate. It can happen to anyone, and it happens far too often in silence.

For those of you reading this who have endured similar experiences, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your pain is valid, and it’s okay to speak up. The shame and stigma that surround male abuse are powerful, but they can be broken when we raise our voices together. Healing isn’t easy, but it’s possible. By sharing our stories and healing loudly, we can help break the stigma that surrounds male victims of abuse and offer hope to others who are still trapped in silence.

If you are struggling in the shadows of abuse and feeling suicidal, please reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals. You can call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. There is a community of survivors who understand you and are here for you. Your life is precious, and we cannot afford to lose one more person to this insidious form of abuse. 

Together, we can break the silence, heal, and support each other.