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My Struggle with Dissociation and Freeze Episodes: The Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse

My Struggle with Dissociation and Freeze Episodes: The Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse



Living with the aftermath of severe narcissistic abuse is a daily battle. One of the most debilitating symptoms I face is dissociation, specifically what is known as dissociative freeze. This is not just a moment of zoning out or being lost in thought—it's a complete mental and physical shutdown where I feel paralyzed, unable to move or function. These episodes have become a regular part of my life, and they can happen at any time, particularly when I'm in my car.


Driving has become an incredibly difficult task. What should be a simple journey often turns into an ordeal where I get stuck in my car, unable to get out, start the engine, or continue driving. I stare off into space, lost in my thoughts, disconnected from the world around me. Sometimes, I lose hours at a time, just sitting there, unable to move. This happens when I'm about to leave, when I arrive somewhere, and even in between. The most extreme example of this was when I tried to drive from Florida back to Illinois after facing my abusers in court. What should have been a two-day drive took me 30 days to complete. There were times when I would get stuck for more than 12 hours, just sitting there, frozen.


These episodes are not just inconvenient—they are traumatic. The sense of helplessness and isolation is overwhelming. I feel trapped in my own body, unable to do anything to break free from the freeze. It's as though the trauma of the past has taken control of my present, holding me captive in these moments.


To make matters worse, during these episodes, I am often severely hyper-vigilant. My startle response becomes extremely exaggerated, where the slightest noise can be terrifying. A sudden sound can jolt me out of a dissociative freeze, leaving me hysterically crying and emotionally overwhelmed. It’s as if the trauma is erupting all at once, and I’m left trying to piece myself back together.


The feelings of hopelessness and sadness are overwhelming. It's a numbness that's so hard to explain. In these moments of dissociation, traumatic flashbacks happen, and it's as if I'm reliving my trauma. It's so debilitating that I can't accomplish or do many things at times. Holding down a regular job is impossible. For someone who used to be so very punctual, I am always late, always struggling just to be able to sometimes get up and brush my teeth, or go to the bathroom, or do anything.


This isn't just about being late or missing an appointment. It's about the profound impact these episodes have on my ability to function in daily life. They interfere with my work, my relationships, and my ability to take care of myself. The trauma from narcissistic abuse has left scars that go far beyond emotional pain—they manifest in these terrifying moments of dissociation and freeze.


I know I'm not alone in this experience. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse, especially those who have faced covert malignant narcissists, deal with similar symptoms. The abuse I endured was severe, leading me to multiple suicide attempts as I struggled to cope with the aftermath. Now, even though I'm out of that abusive situation, the effects linger on, haunting me in ways I never imagined.


Living with dissociation and freeze episodes is a constant reminder of the abuse I endured. It's a battle I fight every day, and while it's exhausting, I continue to push forward. Sharing my experience is part of my healing process, and I hope it helps others who might be going through something similar. You're not alone, and there is strength in acknowledging the impact of trauma on our lives. Together, we can find ways to cope, heal, and reclaim our lives from the shadows of abuse.

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