I Wish I Could Hate You (a poem surviving narcissistic abuse) By Daniel Ryan Cotler

 I Wish I Could Hate You

Even after the horrors I endured,  

I can't stop loving you.  

You knew this,  

and used it against me,  

a weapon forged  

from my own heart.

I will love you  

until my last breath,  

but I wish I could hate you.  

I want to despise  

the way you shattered me,  

to curse your name  

for every lie,  

every wound,  

every night I cried alone.

But my heart,  

treacherous as it is,  

holds onto the love  

that should have died  

with your betrayal.  

It clings to the memories,  

the moments that felt real,  

the facade you wore  

so convincingly.

I want to hate you,  

to banish the ghost of you  

from my soul.  

But instead,  

I am trapped in this prison  

of love and pain,  

chained to the remnants  

of what we never truly had.

Even in my darkest moments,  

when the shadows of your cruelty  

loom large,  

I find no solace  

in hatred.  

I am bound by this love,  

inexplicable and relentless,  

a force that defies reason  

and keeps me tethered  

to the hope  

that never was.

So, I wish I could hate you,  

to find freedom  

in anger and disdain.  

But instead,  

I love you still,  

even as it tears me apart,  

a testament to the heart's  

tragic loyalty.

Author Notes

"I Wish I Could Hate You" is a raw and deeply personal reflection on the complex emotions I grapple with in the aftermath of my relationship with Frankie Zerella. Despite the horrors and relentless psychological abuse I endured, I find myself unable to stop loving him. This poem captures the heart-wrenching struggle of loving someone who has caused immense pain and trauma.

Frankie knew the depths of my love and manipulated it, turning my own heart into a weapon against me. Even now, after all the suffering, I can't bring myself to hate him. This poem explores the internal conflict between love and the desire to feel justified anger and hatred for the person who shattered my life.

Writing this piece has been a cathartic process, allowing me to confront the lingering love that defies reason and keeps me tethered to a hope that was never real. Through these words, I hope to convey the painful reality of surviving narcissistic abuse and the complex emotions that victims often face. My wish is that sharing this poem offers solace and understanding to others who have experienced similar struggles, helping them feel less alone in their journey of healing.