The Dark Reality of Narcissistic Abuse: Surviving Frankie Zerella
My abuser would come into the room one day after an extreme moment of devaluation that lasted about a week, and he would tell me, "Dan, you don't understand. I told you I can't stop my brain. I told you that there's a side of me I can't control." He said it was like a movie playing over and over, and that he can't forget it. When someone does something, that's what happens—he's just constantly bombarded, and no matter how hard he tries to stop, he can't control what happens.
He told me that he tried to warn me about this and that he is a horrible person. He then confessed something to me. I now know that it was a test to see how much further he could push me, how much further he could abuse me. I already had several suicide attempts. He told me about a friend that was suicidal, and that he told his friend that he supported his decision. He was there the day that his friend took his life, and he watched but did not call the police or an ambulance.
I was horrified about what he was telling me, but immediately, I tried to comfort him. I told him this is something horrible that happened, and he should have helped his friend. He has to forgive himself if he has remorse; he can't beat himself up forever over this. Even going through what I was going through, I couldn't read between the lines. He was trying to show me who he really was, giving me the hint that he was doing the same thing to me, and I never connected the dots.
It wasn't until I broke away that I realized he was trying to get me to kill myself. All the time, he told me to finish the job, get it done. "Dan, do it for everybody. At least I'm not hated by everyone." I was so mentally unstable I couldn't see what was right in front of my eyes, even though I did. I ignored it, making excuses, thinking somehow I was different, that he did love me.
That's why when I tell people my story, I always make sure that I take accountability and responsibility for the pain that I went through. At the end of the day, what happened to me in that relationship is horrible, the abuse is horrific, and what my abuser did is inhumane and evil. However, I am responsible for the extreme trauma I endured, for the pain I went through. Regardless of trauma bonds, cognitive dissonance, or any other factors that make it hard for victims of narcissistic abuse to break away, I was responsible for how long I let it continue.
That's the thing people don't understand. There's so much going on that makes it difficult for victims to break away. When we do break away, we have this overwhelming anger with ourselves because we allowed it to happen for so long, even though we could see what was going on. Once we start learning about narcissistic abuse and what they do, the fog clears, and we realize that we ignored the red flags.
Among all the hurt and pain of losing someone we love dearly, we have to come to terms with the fact that, at the end of the day, we allowed it to happen. That's one of the things we have to accept and forgive. We were all doing the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time, under the circumstances we were going through, not understanding what this abuse is or how it's done. We didn't understand that there are chemical reactions going on in our brain because of the abuse, that our abusers are purposely creating that chemical dependency, making us addicted to them.
I will never know the name of the person that my abuser says took his life. I do believe it to be one of the few things that he told me that is true. And I believe with everything in my heart that, more than likely, not only did he watch, but he videotaped it. The thing about my abuser is these videos he has of everybody he's abusing—they are his trophies. He has countless videos of not only the people he has dated but also people who have no idea he was videotaping them.
Dear Readers,
Understanding the depth of manipulation and abuse in relationships with narcissists is crucial for both survivors and those who support them. Breaking free from such a toxic dynamic is incredibly challenging, but it is essential for healing and recovery. If you or someone you know is experiencing similar abuse, please seek help and remember that you are not alone.
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