Triangulation of the Exes: The Narcissist’s Playbook
Welcome back to our Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community Blog and Podcast. Today, we’re delving into a particularly insidious tactic used by narcissists known as triangulation, specifically how they manipulate their new victims by triangulating against their ex-partners. From the very beginning of a relationship, the narcissist is grooming their new supply, setting the stage for a complex web of deceit and manipulation.
When a narcissist enters a new relationship, one of their first moves is to triangulate the new partner against their exes. They do this by telling you all sorts of horrible stories about their former partners. These stories, however, are not genuine accounts of the exes' behavior but rather a twisted confession of what the narcissist actually did to them. This tactic serves multiple purposes: it garners your sympathy, paints the narcissist as a victim, and sets you up to distrust and dislike their exes without ever meeting them.
The narcissist will often show you videos and recordings taken out of context to make their exes look abusive or unstable. This selective presentation of information is designed to manipulate your perception and make you wonder how anyone could treat such a seemingly wonderful person so poorly. While you are being love-bombed and receiving the idealized version of the narcissist, you become emotionally invested and protective, believing you are with someone who has been deeply wronged in the past.
This is precisely what the narcissist wants. By convincing you of their victimhood and the villainy of their exes, they ensure you are less likely to reach out to these ex-partners. If you were to contact them, you might hear a very different story, one that could shatter the carefully constructed illusion the narcissist has built around themselves.
In my personal experience, my abuser, Frankie Zarella, showed me videos of his previous partner, claiming they were crazy and involved in theft. Based on the narrative he provided and the carefully selected clips I saw, it seemed believable. He also showed me photos and videos of his ex-husband, claiming that he had broken Frankie’s back by pushing him down the stairs. This, too, was a complete fabrication. Frankie even wore a back brace and used a wheelchair, maintaining the lie that his ex-husband was responsible for his injury.
The truth was far less dramatic. Frankie had actually hurt his back while moving into a hotel room, as evidenced by text messages he sent out admitting to it. But I only discovered this after our relationship ended. Throughout our time together, I believed every word he said about his ex-husband, convinced that he had been the worst person imaginable.
This experience is a textbook example of how narcissists use triangulation to manipulate their current partners. By portraying their exes as abusive or crazy, they keep you isolated and ensure your loyalty. When things start to go wrong in the relationship, the narcissist continues to triangulate, turning everyone against each other to maintain control and avoid being exposed.
The emotional manipulation goes deeper when you consider the implications. If you forgive and understand the narcissist’s behavior, continuing to love them despite the red flags, they will resent you for it. This is because they harbor a deep-seated hatred for themselves, a loathing they project onto those who try to love them. If they see themselves as inherently bad and unworthy, your willingness to love them despite their actions must mean that something is wrong with you, making you bad in their eyes.
Thus, every time you give them another chance or forgive their behavior, you are devalued even more. The cycle of abuse continues, with each act of forgiveness reinforcing their negative view of you and themselves. This twisted dynamic ensures that the relationship becomes increasingly toxic, leaving you more confused and emotionally battered each time.
Navigating this web of deception requires a clear understanding of the narcissist’s tactics and a strong support system. Trust your instincts when things feel off, and don't be afraid to seek validation from trusted friends, family, or professionals. Documenting incidents can also provide clarity and help you see the patterns of abuse more clearly.
Recognizing the narcissist’s triangulation and manipulation is the first step towards breaking free from their control. By understanding their tactics, you can begin to dismantle the illusions they have created and reclaim your sense of self.
Thank you for tuning in to today's discussion on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community Blog and Podcast. Remember, you are not alone on this journey to healing and empowerment. Stay tuned for more insights and personal stories, and don't forget to check out Daniel's book, *Voiceless: A Silent Epidemic of Suicide Due to Narcissistic Abuse*, available now on Amazon worldwide.
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