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Reactive Abuse or Reacting to being abused.

Welcome to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community Blog and Podcast by Daniel Ryan Cotler. Our mission is to provide valuable insights, support, and guidance for those affected by narcissistic abuse. Today, we're diving into one of the most insidious and disgusting tactics used by narcissists: reactive abuse. This tactic is crucial for narcissists because they rely on the victim’s emotional reactions to switch the script and claim the role of the victim.



Reactive abuse occurs when a victim of narcissistic abuse reacts emotionally to the abuse they are experiencing. This reaction is then used by the narcissist to portray the victim as the aggressor. Let’s talk about why this happens and how it’s manipulated.


Narcissistic abuse thrives on your emotional reactions. Without them, the narcissist cannot effectively manipulate the narrative. Your reaction provides them with the ammunition they need to twist the situation, making you appear irrational or abusive.


When you react emotionally, the narcissist seizes the opportunity to play the victim. They might secretly record your outburst or provoke you into reacting in front of others. This allows them to present themselves as the calm, rational party and you as the unstable one.


The whole point of reactive abuse is to make the victim believe that they are the problem, that they are abusive. This is a manipulation attempt to get the victim to believe that they're the abusive one because they're acting in ways that they normally wouldn't, like yelling or screaming. Over time, this can erode the victim's sense of self and reality, making them question their own behavior and sanity.


Narcissists are experts at pushing your buttons. They know exactly what to say and do to elicit an emotional response from you. This constant provocation can make you feel like you’re going crazy, always on edge and ready to snap.


Narcissists often record your reactions without your knowledge. These recordings are used to discredit you and gain sympathy from others. It’s a way to isolate you further, making it harder for you to find support.


Gaslighting is a common tactic used alongside reactive abuse. The narcissist will provoke you, then deny that anything happened, making you doubt your perception of reality. This can lead to feelings of confusion, frustration, and helplessness.


Common signs of reactive abuse include finding yourself frequently reacting emotionally to your partner’s provocations, feeling like you’re constantly being pushed to your breaking point, having your reactions used against you to paint you as the aggressor, and starting to believe that you are the problem because of your emotional outbursts.


Questions to ask yourself include: Do I often feel provoked into reacting emotionally? Has my partner ever recorded my outbursts without my knowledge? Do I feel like I’m constantly defending myself against accusations that I’m the problem? Have I started to believe that I might be the abusive one?


Examples of reactive abuse include a narcissist deliberately saying hurtful things to you, then secretly recording your emotional reaction, telling others about your outburst after a heated argument to make you look unstable, and gaslighting you into believing that you’re overreacting or imagining things.


One of the most effective ways to counter reactive abuse is to stay calm and composed. This doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions but finding healthy ways to express them. Practice grounding techniques and take time-outs when you feel provoked.


Keep a journal of incidents and your interactions with the narcissist. Note down what was said and how it made you feel. This documentation can help you keep track of patterns and provide evidence if needed.


Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide validation and help you see the situation more clearly.


Establish and enforce clear boundaries with the narcissist. Let them know what behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed.


Reactive abuse is a dark and manipulative tactic used by narcissists to switch the script and portray themselves as the victim. Understanding this tactic is the first step towards protecting yourself and breaking free from the cycle of abuse. Remember, your emotional reactions are valid, but learning to manage them in the face of provocation can help you regain control and prevent the narcissist from using them against you.


Thank you for reading this article on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Community Blog and Podcast by Daniel Ryan Cotler. We are here to support you on your journey to healing and empowerment. For more insights and personal stories, check out Daniel's book, *Voiceless: A Silent Epidemic of Suicide Due to Narcissistic Abuse*, available now on Amazon worldwide. Stay tuned for more articles and podcasts that delve into the many aspects of narcissistic abuse and recovery.

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